Mandrake: First off, I'm not even going to comment on the baseless accusations you made (which are still visible, as Kyokai quoted them). I'll just say, calm down. We're working on a video game. It's not something to lose your head over.
Originally I was going to rewrite everything, but I realized that would be wrong for several reasons. The first one being that it's not a bad story. It's not terribly cliche, and alot of the game revolves around it and the ideas inside of it. Alot of work has already been made for this story.
So what happened here was better than a complete rewrite. It was a clarification, and a lot of the ambiguities were removed. Alot of the smaller details had been made more interesting. Just because a story is good or well-written doesn't mean we should use it here. Or change everything just to match the story. The authors here had worked hard on their creation, and I think a complete rewrite would be insulting to them.
I disagree. See, the things is, yes, a lot of thought and work has been put in thus far. However, we are still in the heavy planning stages of this game. This is, therefore, the time when we need to be
most open to large-scale changes. And, once again, I'm not even proposing such, nor will what my friend comes up with seek to necessitate it.
The real problem with a new story is that we just got through working out the various kinks and bugs in this one. A new story will come with a new set of bugs. It's something inevitable.
Yes, it is. But as it's only been a few days to get you to the point of near-satisfaction with the writing of the current story, I don't see how that poses a giant problem. It's like me learning the eccentricities of a new style of graphics, which I had to do after creating my first character sprites, then realizing that they didn't fit with the style. Again, we are in heavy planning stages, so things need to be open to shifting. That is what was meant by "quality>convenience." It's a general rule, not a slam on the current storyline.
This is a comitee based project, and not a dictatorship. As such, it needs to be worked like that.
Ok, this is just confusing. Are you saying I'm acting like a dictator? I'm a friggin' spriter, that likes contributing elsewhere. I'm not in charge of this stuff. And yes, this is a committee thing; since multiple people have voiced support for at least taking the ideas of the alternate storyline into consideration, I don't think there's a problem.
Anyway, since we've already more or less argued this into the ground, I'll leave it lie there. My comments on the sonnet are more line-by-line grammar stuff than anything else, so I'll repost it with my comments in bold. Overall, though, it did work out pretty nicely in that format.
I sing to you of the time before the world,
I sing to you before the fall of the gods
I wonder about using the "I sing" bit. Yes, it's authentic, but it carries the potential to confuse people who don't know what it comes from.
When the gods had existed in the endless void of space itself
And the void existed in the darkness of time
The gods had known only loneliness and the shadow of each other
To relieve them of this pale that was becoming their existence
They set out to create a world to watch
Where people could live out lives
And entertain the gods in their void of the heavens
From the clouds they picked out of the chaos land and water
Clouds? Aren't they in space?
They plucked two stars from the sky
And created the first man and woman
They created Mana then
An explination of what mana is might be good? Gamers usually just think of it in terms of MP
So that the world would run without their need
"Without their need" is a little awkward
Like a giant clock they could sit and watch
As the humans below filled the earth
Creating cities and towns
The peaceful rolling hills with sheep on it
"With sheep on it" is awkward and is singular when "hills" is plural.
And the life of the farmers tending to the herd
"Life" is again singular and should be plural
Attracted each god
With some gods claiming favorites above the rest
You might start this as a new sentance--"Some gods claimed"
Exalting some when others toiled
The favorite of the Goddess Arimara fell ill from a sickness that crawled from the sea
And Arimara broke the rule they had set
Some introduction of this rule earlier would help to clarify. Not much would be needed, just a mention
She intervened and healed her chosen one, nursed her back to health
Other gods watched with envy.
I don't know that envy is the best word, but I don't know offhand what it could be replaced with
Soon a war broke out amongst the Gods
Bit of a jump there--from individual envy to war. Some sort of transition is needed
Each trying to exalt their favorites into mighty heroes
Into Gods on earth
The Gods split into two parties then
"Parties" doesn't really suggest a warring faction. "Factions?"
Tearing apart the heavens in their anger
One group was known as The Veshin, or those who change
The other was known as the Oiri, or those who watch
Don't use the same sentance twice--perhaps something like, "The others became the Oiri, those who watch."
The Veshin taught their followers dark arts of science
"Dark acts of science" should either be elaborated upon or have the "acts of" dropped
Rising these men above the stature of normal men
Creating wars and turmoil
The Oiri, wise beyond their years
Set out to find the Spirits of Mana
For consultation on what to do
In fear that their world would be destroyed by the greed of the Veshin
Over seas and stars they traveled until finally
Each glowing pillar responded in the voice of a Mana spirit
Glowing pillar? I'm not at present familiar with anything like that...are you using it metaphorically?
And each gave them advice
?Seek out nine Sages
wise men who will watch over us
I was under the impression that the sages were watching over the humans, not the spirits. You might also drop "nine," since already in the NPCs page we're deviating from that number vor variety
and protect the world from those who the Veshin control
bring them to us
and we will give them the power and authority to do this?
Thus the Oiri brought forth nine of the most worthy men and women
Again, nine
Took them to each pillar of light were the Mana spirits dwelled
Wait...the palaces are pillars of light? I'm a bit confused here
And made sages out of the mere mortals
Were they sages before? The spirits told the gods to seek sages
Created to protect the world from the pain and misery
That the Veshin were causing
Wars then followed
For forty years the earth bled
And the seas screamed with those being drowned inside of them
This can be tightened--"And the seas screamed with the cries of the drowned"
The war machines of the Veshin
Haunting the air with their smog and steel
The rising glow of the Mana from the sages
Burning across the world
As the two forces clashed and struggled
"As" can be dropped
And even in the void of heaven
Where the gods dwelled
War was being waged
Pushing the heavens they called home
Into the nothingness that dwelled beyond the darkness
So a truce was called
Less the gods destroyed all that had been created
As Kyokai said, "lest." Also, "destroyed" should be "destroy"
They had not forgotten the days before war
The centuries of peace
And watching the people climb up from tribes to civilization
They sent themselves to the Mana World
Sealing their powers into the nothingness beyond the void
The arts of science and magic being lost into the annals of time
"Being lost" should be "were lost"
The Mana spirits, recognizing the wisdom in this decision
Then banished the gods from ever again learning the art of Mana
Bit of a non-ending, but then I believe you did comment on that already
